It’s been a few months since I journaled, I started back at work and it’s hard. It’s hard emotionally to leave his sleepy, or smiley, or even crying face in the morning. It’s hard mentally to coordinate all the milk production stuff and go back to juggling the demands of work. And it’s hard physically dealing with the discomfort of lactation, new aches and pains, and lack of sleep. It’s like 2 full time jobs. And with the pandemic, it’s extra hard figuring out doctor’s appointments, and childcare, and who gets to be in who’s pod. I feel lucky to have gotten to spend even as much time as I did with Calvin as I have. It’s also nice to be back with the kids in class, and to get to know them in person, even from a distance.
Today I was driving to school and I was feeling guilty that I drove to work since I live so close. It would take me about 30 minutes to walk. But I started thinking about what 30 minutes could mean for me. 30 minutes is a pump session, it’s getting to eat breakfast, it’s a shower (including a minute to freak out over how much hair is in the trap), one nap window (Calvin takes the shortest freaking naps), straightening up the house, it’s a load of laundry, it’s washing dishes and pump parts, answering work emails, planning a lesson, and finally it’s a big chunk of the time I have to be with Calvin while I’m not doing any of the above things. It’s a gift to live close enough to school that I can get home so quickly by car and work from home while caring for him. I decided I had enough Mom guilt that I don’t need to feel guilty about this, and should probably just graciously accept my good fortune of living nearby.
A couple months ago, Calvin’s little zoom friends were all meeting milestones like rolling over, and grabbing things, and laughing. It was hard not to compare and fret that maybe Calvin should be doing these things as well, and I wasn’t sure if what he was doing counted. He would make these screeching noises (is that laughter? It doesn’t sound like other baby’s laughter), and thump his legs over and over (is that a first sign of rolling?), and finally he would do this thing where he would open his mouth REALLY big. It wasn’t cause he was hungry, or yawning, it was like he was just learning he could unhinge his jaw. It was so weird and so cute. I wanted to write the doctor cause I had never read anything about mouth opening like this to be a thing babies did, but as soon as it started happening, it went away. So when Calvin decided to start sticking his tongue in and out of his mouth, oh and drooling, so much drooling. I decided I should just enjoy how funny and cute it was.
It’s hard to believe that those little 30 minute chunks of time have added up to almost 5 months. Calvin is now over 15 pounds! He has the sweetly little coy smile and the most infectious laughter. He’s grabbing at things and while he is only rolling sometimes, he can rotate his little body 360 degrees in his crib. I love how he lights up when we come in the room after a nap, and makes little conversation noises that sound just like TV cartoon babies “goo goo gaa gaa”, He seems so much more conscious now, like he’s really observing the world, and recognizing things. He has grown so much since he came home with us. He’s no longer a little lump, but a little person.
Today I was driving to school and I was feeling guilty that I drove to work since I live so close. It would take me about 30 minutes to walk. But I started thinking about what 30 minutes could mean for me. 30 minutes is a pump session, it’s getting to eat breakfast, it’s a shower (including a minute to freak out over how much hair is in the trap), one nap window (Calvin takes the shortest freaking naps), straightening up the house, it’s a load of laundry, it’s washing dishes and pump parts, answering work emails, planning a lesson, and finally it’s a big chunk of the time I have to be with Calvin while I’m not doing any of the above things. It’s a gift to live close enough to school that I can get home so quickly by car and work from home while caring for him. I decided I had enough Mom guilt that I don’t need to feel guilty about this, and should probably just graciously accept my good fortune of living nearby.
A couple months ago, Calvin’s little zoom friends were all meeting milestones like rolling over, and grabbing things, and laughing. It was hard not to compare and fret that maybe Calvin should be doing these things as well, and I wasn’t sure if what he was doing counted. He would make these screeching noises (is that laughter? It doesn’t sound like other baby’s laughter), and thump his legs over and over (is that a first sign of rolling?), and finally he would do this thing where he would open his mouth REALLY big. It wasn’t cause he was hungry, or yawning, it was like he was just learning he could unhinge his jaw. It was so weird and so cute. I wanted to write the doctor cause I had never read anything about mouth opening like this to be a thing babies did, but as soon as it started happening, it went away. So when Calvin decided to start sticking his tongue in and out of his mouth, oh and drooling, so much drooling. I decided I should just enjoy how funny and cute it was.
It’s hard to believe that those little 30 minute chunks of time have added up to almost 5 months. Calvin is now over 15 pounds! He has the sweetly little coy smile and the most infectious laughter. He’s grabbing at things and while he is only rolling sometimes, he can rotate his little body 360 degrees in his crib. I love how he lights up when we come in the room after a nap, and makes little conversation noises that sound just like TV cartoon babies “goo goo gaa gaa”, He seems so much more conscious now, like he’s really observing the world, and recognizing things. He has grown so much since he came home with us. He’s no longer a little lump, but a little person.
While playing with Calvin’s chunky pyramid feet, it suddenly dawned on me that the little pair of slippers someone gave me might now fit. By the time I found them in the piles, they barely fit his feet and I realized if I didn’t buy Calvin baby shoes now, he would never get to wear baby shoes, and he would soon be wearing infant shoes! He now owns a very new pair of baby sneakers. Before I had a baby, I often wondered why anyone would ever buy baby clothes, since they grow out of them so quickly. I had more than once declared that my future babies would just have “potato sacks” that unrolled as they got older. John had wondered if the sack design might stunt their development. Turns out these “potato sacks” exist, they are sleep suits and parents who I proposed this to were just being nice. The reason you get baby clothes turns out is that your baby looks adorable in them and you might feel an unreasonable amount of delight when your baby is wearing them.
Love your writing, this baby is the cutest! I wish I could hold him!
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