Skip to main content

Impermanence and Mourning

I love the way that Calvin shoves his hands in his mouth, like he’s trying to win the Guinness Book of World records for how far he can get those fingers in there. I also love how after each bottle, he lets out a burp that doesn’t sound like it could possibly come from this little human. I love how sometimes, right before Calvin cries, his lower lip turns and begins to quiver. Finally, I'm sure I’ll grow tired of it soon, but I also love watching his eyes glaze over, the relaxing and stiffening of his little body followed by the thunderous sound of him flooding his diaper. 

I'vee been trying to capture that magic baby burp on video, but after eating, he's on my shoulder and I'm pat-pating and I've missed it again. John wonders why this is so important, he assures me that he will burp again in 2hrs, and again, and every day forever. But there's a point where it stops being a baby burp, and becomes just a regular burp. I've also realized that I'm now feeling proficient at latching him. I like when he's distracted and stops eating to smile at me. The move I call the angry pirahna used to fill me with anxiety and amusement now just amusement. I don't know if we will have a second kid, and it occurred to me that not only might this be the only time in my life that I will need to know how to breastfeed, but that it might be the only time I get to do it. This along with everything else that comes with this one time I get to witness this tiny person grow into an infant, a toddler, whatever comes after that, one magical coo and lip quiver at a time, that no matter how present I try to be for it, I know that those moments will pass, and change again and again. This makes me sad. This impermanence makes this year especially regrettable. My friend came to drop off some food the other day and mentioned how sad she felt that I didn't have the visitors and support I might have if it was another time. I had figured that this might have been what I was like regardless. While I appreciate what technology has offered in terms of connection, zoom and video calls, and Facebook groups, and text chats, and the ability to organize my community to show my little family so much love (and we have been so grateful), when the city announced this latest shelter in place order, and as I think about returning to work soon, it made me think about what it might have been like if things were different. My family would have visited me in the hospital, and that first few weeks, outings with baby and friends, mommy and me classes with other moms, those stroller fitness classes you see moms doing at the park, learning carries from other parents, allowing other members of my community to ooh and ah and cuddle and hug Calvin. He's so precious and everyone that might love him too has, is, and will be missing these moments that I'm already sad will be over and they haven't even happened. I'm mourning a version of this year that will never happen.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Two and Change and Humbling

Parents talk all the time about how different their kids are from each other.  After reading my gratitude post about Calvin peacefully going to bed and being independent, I thought it appropriate to describe tonight and the past few months.  Tonight, I was in bed working on my computer and Thomas is laying next to me and doing somersaults into me. I walk out and he's upset so John and I talk to him about trying to close his eyes to sleep. He agrees but then after a bit leaves the room. He comes back with a box of toys and starts playing with them. Then he leaves again noting that he pooped his diaper and had to go get Daddy. I wasn't going to argue with that logic. Then after a while he had not returned to bed, and I hear the tiny feet sound, then the sound of moving furniture, and the quiet that can only indicate mischief. I call out, Thomas what are you doing? There is a lightening of the steps that makes me panic. I call out to John to runs over as I run over to...
Post a Comment
Read more

How to Slow Down Time?

Calvin who is now two and half has been telling elaborate stories with more details than ever before. But he's also gotten to the point where his ability to describe his world is slightly below the complexity of the ideas he wants to share, which can lead to some frustrating moments. One of these moments was a couple weeks ago, I was changing Thomas and I exclaimed, "Wow, that's a big poo!" Calvin started saying something rapidly, and ran to the next room while talking. Then I hear him crying. I quickly wrap up the diaper to make sure he's okay, I find him in the bathroom trying to drag his giant heavy sink stool to the changing area because he wanted to "see the big poop" He was very upset that it was already wrapped up and only calmed down after I unwrapped it for a quick peek. I love hearing him reason to himself, repeat what happens in the day: "No Ho jie cheet ah, mommy cheet yah" (If Calvin cuts the fruit with the knife, it is dangerous,...
Post a Comment
Read more

Never Wake a Sleeping Baby

 I should be sleeping, but I'm up late lesson planning for the week and my head is spinning. I love watching baby while he's sleeping, he looks so calm, and wise. Sometimes he even does a little smile like he's dreaming. Sometimes he furrows his little brows like he is deep in thought.  Sometimes he pouts his little mouth. I never knew how much there was to know about babies and sleep until after we had a newborn in our arms and he was both always sleeping and somehow never sleeping at the same time. At around 2 months, in a casual middle of the night complaining to a parent friend with a child slightly older than Cal she told me that babies had wake windows and should be put down when we notice sleepy cues.  She sent me a little chart from instagram and I tried it.  Baby started rubbing his eyes, and his eyebrows turned red.  I put him down and like magic, he fell asleep.   After that, I read about sleep hygiene, and wake windows, and eat/play/sleep, ...
Post a Comment
Read more