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Babywell 2

Baby number 2 was born just today and seems to be doing great. 

I read that your heart grows but right now the baby is just a lump, a stranger, a point of comparison. I think it took a few weeks before I starting liking, then loving Calvin not only in concept so maybe it's the same every time.

I miss Calvin so much though. We've only been gone a day and we will be home so soon. I tried to FaceTime him and he just told us we had to go home and was upset. I can't wait for them to love and play with each other but I think I feel guilty. Guilty for leaving Calvin while we are gone, for changing his entire life, for the way our attention is going up be split, for thinking about Calvin all day while looking at this other tiny baby, for not feeling as worried and anxious. 

Additionally, I don't think I fully registered how my last birth shape my experience. I tell the story of Calvin's birth as generally being easy and straightforward but when my doctor and the medical staff talk about it and considering my mental state now as a point of comparison, I realize I didn't fully grasp the gravity of my situation last time. I thought maybe I had been drugged but I probably just lost a ton of blood. But at a first time parent, I thought everyone just felt like that and didn't know to ask for help. Talking to and seeing recently new parents, I think I started suspecting that this time around might be different, maybe (hopefully) easier and less traumatic.

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